Actual Comedy

I am Jewish
(stands staring at audience with arms crossed, visibly scanning the audience for an uncomfortable period of time (10 seconds) without saying a word.

Anybody got anything to say about that?  Cuz if you do, the governments, banks and media outlets of the world will rain their fury down upon you and cancel you!

Yes, we are an anxious people- much moreso when the nation that claims to represent our people is carpet bombing and imprisoned nation (hides under hood, covers nose and tip of penis, looks up and around hesitantly).

We’re like, “So, who’s this Jesus guy?  I hear -he’s- pretty cool!?”

Yes, I am Jewish- which means that I control what gets seen in the entertainment industry.  I’d say my presence on stage here is evidence of that.  Thank you, Harvey Weinstein!  And you are welcome, everyone who has received some nourishment from the spotlight, here this evening- I worked it out on your behalf beforehand.  You’ve been a good pro-semite.  We honor your slavishness to our power.

The World’s Most Arrogant Lover

I am the world’s most arrogant lover.

I’m not for everyone, of course- chemistry is super-important

For example, I really… appreeeciate a woman with very. low. self-esteem

it just works (waves hand back and forth between imaginary lover and myself)

we… *get* one another

For example, if she doesn’t have an orgasm,

we have like this tacit understanding it’s like we don’t even have to say any words

it was obviously not anything that I did or didn’t do

she was the problem

I, the most arrogant lover, I always have an orgasm… I just know how to do it (looks at audience self-impressed, incredulously)

so, like, we understand… and then next time we have sex… after she improoooves- on her own cuz I’m not going to pick up her slack

she’ll be more able to feel pleasure instead of the shame she feels having been an inferior lover.

(puts woman’s wig on)

I am the world’s most arrogant lover.

It has been a decade since I felt pleasure from a man.

I unbutton his jeans and pull out what I expect to be a rocket of desire pointing at me, of course,

but it’s small and weak and when I ask them about their obvious problem in the sack, no one has a very good answer.  I wonder if there is too much estrogen in the municipal water supply?

Several times, a hopeful lover complained, “Touch me. Blow on it a little?  Do something!”

And I said, of course, because who wouldn’t, “Why?  You’re obviously inferm in this department. I’m very dissapointed.  On your way.”

Fortunately for me, my good looks are everlasting, like the marble Michaelangelo used to carve the famous depiction of biblical Davida before she conquers the enemy’s great phallus.  I will never grow old, and will always have opportunities to find a man worthy enough for my vagina- but there seem to be very few, dwindling in numbers as the decades pass- I believe it to be estrogen in the water supply.

Guy Showering in the Gym

I started going to the gym earlier this year. I’m finally getting into shape like I should have. Thank you, thank you. Yes, it’s soo gooood! But sometimes there’s some weird characters in the men’s locker room. No matter when I go, there’s always one guy- and it seems like all they do is shower- for like, an hour- in the public shower area- turned out just butt naked with their big old round belly showering for the whole time I’m there, and their shlong all hanging like a perfect little acorn in front. I’m fascinated, man. Like, what is going on there? I found myself, actually, staring at this man, once, trying to figure out what he’s all about, y’know. Well, he turned his head before I could look away so he saw me staring and his face just all lit up like a Christmas tree- like “hey, guy! Look at me! I’m showering! Can you dig it??” What is that all about?