Narcissus’ Journey

©Jason I. Stutz 2018

When a person awakens to Spirit, they also attract into their life a scenario that reflects their deepest traumatic experiences in childhood.  The scenario I attracted was to be homeless on the streets of New Orleans, surrounded by extremely dark individuals who studied, essentially, the “Art and Science of Vampirism”- methods to steal the life-energy from others, to each’s demise.

Later, as I stepped forward to re-awaken after the first scenario “failed to kill me,” I sought first one, then another school that worked with the ideas and life of Georges Ivanovich Gurdjieff and his students. A cruel, young woman- a dance teacher in my second Gurdjieff school- entered the horizon of my life and developed partial control over my emotions, remotely, for several years, drawing, narcissistically, energy from my neediness, almost to my demise.  Her only coin, the token cry at me: “You are the devil!” and the reliance that I would believe her every time.  Twice, for a few seconds, I felt my will to live give out. Twice, I vomited from exhaustion during a sustained and powerful spiritual attack.  I drove myself like a mule into these scenarios that threatened my very sanity.  I was reaching deeply down, away from the light, in to the well, for the stone at the bottom of the well- for the negative truth that must save me from believing in the lie of my innocence and goodness, and make me whole by reducing me to dust, and kill my pain by grating my every nerve raw against the blades of life.  I sought that foreign coin from the bottom of my abyss to give the ferry man who traverses the River Styx.  Yet I did not really know which shore between life and death I stood upon, or if it were life or death that I sought.

I am certain it was Faith, primarily, that has guided me; Faith that if I seek the truth of my condition in every situation, it will be shown to me, and if I am free enough to follow it, I will be rewarded: the truth will heal me and reintegrate my many lost parts- my dreams will be realized; I will grow in Love.

I, at that dire time, yet decided to go back to college, and attracted into my life a Spanish teacher who stoked my love of learning and of humanity, and who sought to save my life. She placed her hands over my eyes and when she removed them, my eyes had cleared and I saw her super-repleted energy body, whereupon I recognized her divinity. For a time, she prayed for me constantly, even in the middle of the night, even at potential risk to her own health. Ultimately, she brought me to MMary, to whom she, at last, surrendered all weight of responsibility over me.

Also around that time, I attracted into my life a psychic healer who came to me, at first, to receive my own healing work, and who would eventually teach me to receive what I deserve.

I have lived a fairy tale life, and so it continues.  Like Hans Christian Andersen, when I speak of a witch, I am speaking of one that I had met personally on the road to God. I have met the devil himself, at my behest; I endured the cruelty and deception of Black Moon Lilith, and the perverted hunger of the Spider Mother; I shamelessly befriended Peter Pan and barely found my way home, shivering from the cold and recklessness of Never-Never Land. In want for companionship, I gave myself to the rhetoric of the fox and the cat who stole me away to Pleasure Island. I, again, was saved, but not before my feet became hooves and the only sounds I could voice, through the pain I felt in search of a mere particle of pleasure, were the hoarse, desperate bays of a frightened donkey.

I am safe, now that I am home, in my robe, a cup of tea beside me. I am in mi oficina, my cubicle… the Light pours down from Above, teaching and protecting me,  keeping my every hair and every breath of my being in heaven’s wise vaults of eternal Light.

Let there be few words, now, of me or “I.”  I am tired of that word, “I,” already– who cares, really??  Let us talk about You– and, at last, I see my expansiveness, as the Universe opens up all around us, forever more… Pinocchio!! Are you very busy? Call your Blue Fairy and come near?… we have a few things to write down.